sunday 23 september 02001 12:09pm
thoughts on the dream place

just now i was clipping my toenails. the mind was wandering about. suddenly there was this thing in my head, a story a place an adventure i had. i life i led. after a moment i realized it was a bit of a dream that i was remembering. i think one i had within the last few days. and i had the most intense longing. that i wasn't done with it, that i wanted to go back. i almost lay down and went to sleep right there to try to get to it. to some place. even though the dream places are always different.

at least i think they are.

i once had a roommate who was very, very sad. he had been madly in love with someone, a beautiful french girl, he said. he married her. they lived together in LA. they did a lot of drugs. one day while some folks were over partying, she hung herself in the closet. by the time i met him it was a few years later, but he was still devastated. he wandered the apartment in corduroys, plastic mardi gras beads and a vinyl jacket, drunk every night. he lived on tv dinners and booze. he was so sad.

once he told me that his dreams were beautiful. that his dream life was so beautiful that he wished he could always be sleeping.

the oddest thing about the snippet of dream that came to me, is that as soon as i remembered it, it was gone. i don't know what it was.

but i felt like i saw it out of the corner of my left eye.

a few nights ago i watched buffy the vampire slayer. then i lay down to sleep. jim was petting me as i dozed. i heard myself say something, and realized i was talking in my sleep. but i didn't think that i was asleep yet. i had only dipped under for a moment. and yet in that what felt like split-second there had been this whole world. i was standing in the middle of a gymnasium. i was the vampire-slayer. there were frightened kids in bad formal wear around the edges of the room. i was very, very, tall, and i was a thousand years old, but i was a teenager, like them. i was holding a dead bird in my hand. i was holding my hand up high. there was an enormous cake, like a wedding kind of cake, but it was made of birds. all the swoops in the frosting, the whole thing, it was a giant construction of birds. they were grey. they were dead. jim was there. he was the boy who loved me. he was wearing a white shirt and black pants. he was bright-eyed and innocent, and he loved me even though i was a thousand years old and a vampire slayer, and was holding a dead bird raised in one hand.