thursday 25 november 02004 10:03am
the 99 beautiful names of god

he who is lost, and seeks to cause pain to match his own
he who is lost, and drowning
he who is lost and screaming
he who is lost.

the baby who was wanted, and did not stay
the baby who was asked to go
the baby who came, and stayed.

he who loves me
mother
he who loves mother
sister
brother
daddy

he who is lost.
we who are lost.

we who are lost, and seeking
we who are lost and found
we who are found
we who are home, home, home: forever home.

she who struggled, and could not stay.
her mother, who wears her white hands.
her father, who weeps.
the young mother lion who found her.
all of us who lost her, and have her.
the man who she pushed away.
and who she pulled close.

me.

you.

my mother.
my grandmother.
my great grandmother, who called me by another name, and did not know me
my great grandmother who i remember only in her bed

the grandfather who let me ride in the prow of his boat and enjoy the sun.
the grandfather who i cannot recall having looked at me.

the men who move about, quietly, making things ok.

the redwood, oh the redwood, the redwood in the yard behind the house
datura
fern
flowering maple
grewia
fuschia
baby’s tears
hydrangea
hellebore
ivy
vinca
bamboo
olive

mount sutro
sutro tower
the sunset, the sunrise, the bleak hazy sky of thanksgiving morning

you, asleep, forever nestled between your shoulderblades.
you, awake, my twin star.
you, awake and near
you, awake and far
beloved
james.

in my grief, those who held me
who fed me
who sent the car to fetch me
who called to tell me she was gone
who found her
who sorted her things
who told the stories of her life
who told the stories of her death

she who told me exactly what i needed to hear
she who listened
she who told me what i did not want to hear,
my fury,
and the grace that follows
she who took me to the beach, and walked with me there.

he who said nothing, only laid his hands on me.
he who said nothing, and did not ask to touch me.

the sky, who took me to her.

her cold dead hand. her cold dead hand. her cold dead hand.
india.
the wind.
india.
the wind.

she who is gone, and who lives forever.

the rose i lifted from her grave
the song i sent with her into it
the day i met her
the day she died

the screaming
the water
the wind

time; the illusion
love, the illusion
the truth of forever
the truth of union
the truth of now
now
now
now

and always, darling, you
and me.