monday 8 may 02006 10:18am
waiting for the biopsy

i was walking home from class, listening to jens howling "i'll come running with my heart on fire" over and over and over, and i paused in the sun. the whole morning was ticking toward 9 o'clock when the doctor's office would open and i was, frankly, alternately beside myself with terror and utterly at peace. i paused in the sun as i walked up my block and i thought, "in 30 minutes my whole life could change. right now might be the last half hour in the-life-before-i-had-cancer." i closed my eyes and soaked up the sun, slowed my breath, and listened to jens howling about his heart. i thought "ok. if that's the way it shall be, so be it. there will still be sun, and this breath, and this song, and i am here, and that is good."

but that was not the way the world turned, at least not in the reality where i am blessed to live. hallelujah. thank you. thank you.