friday 30 november 02007 10:30am
asleep and

i was lost. the place i was lost in wasn't safe; a bad/dangerous and unfamiliar place. there was wandering someplace wild and city streets, both.

before this i had been in a place which was a city and was also burning man. sometimes there i was having fun with someone who was jra, also in her a bit of james. i went to get something and ended up lost.

i felt fear. i wanted to go back to the happy, fun party where i had been. i thought i could call jen and she could tell me how to get back. i got out my cell phone and was looking for the number, then noticed that the phone was not mine. pink like mine, but about one and half inches tall and triangular, with the point facing down. put it into my pocket, thinking i must have picked up someone else's at the party and would bring it back. found mine and begn to try again, wanting now to bring up an online map, wondering if my phone could do that. then noticed that what i was holding was the size of my phone, but the design of an phone. next i was holding one that was a clear vinyl sheet with black edges, like a diner menu. how many phones are in these pockets?!

then india was on the sidewalk in front of me. dark gray-black sleeveless shirt, jeans, her wry gring and lifted eyebrow. i thought: "shit! if she's here i am definitely still dreaming, still lost, and haven't found my way back to the waking plane yet." and then just joy. it wasn't a vague image or concept of her, it was oh exactly the quality of her physicality, the tone and tiny variations of her skin, the texture of her hair, utterly her.

nothing was said aloud. she was standing on the higher part of the hilly street we were on, so she was even taller than me than usual. i threw my arms around her and pressed my cheek against her shoulder/chest. exactly the shape of her in my arms, the soft skin and long bones so close to the surface, her rib basket; exactly india in my arms. i held her. three years after her death i held india in my arms.

soon came waking. exhilarated, so high, so flying on her presence, holding her knowing she was there to guide me out, to keep me safe.