thursday 24 april 02008 8:30am
today is the day grampa did not wake up

i was coming home from the morning classes on muni, feeling both slightly altered and profoundly clear in my mourning and peace. a guy was gawking at me, hard, on the muni platform and then again on the train, where we were sitting across from one another. i drew inward.

after a couple stops we neared the neck of the woods where very nicely groomed men with fabulous shoes began to board. the guy, who was reading homer in 2 books and had his notebook on his lap, was reading, inward. the three men who had just boarded were all watching him. i realized what a fantasy he was, the student reading homer on the train.

one of the men tried to strike up a conversation. he wasn't very skillful, but the guy didn't seem to mind the interruption to his study. i thought about how i never respond to strangers; my response to attraction (my own or theirs) tends to be to draw inward. as i stood before the door at my stop, i thought that i could just walk over to that boy, lean down and ask him if he wanted to kiss me. and that he very well might.

i think if there had a little more time before the doors opened, i might have done it, just because i am alive.